Hanging On

It was a week for struggling to maintain control. Hillary Clinton swerved all over the road at the Democratic debate, explaining how she supported Governor Spitzer’s licenses-for-immigrants plan while simultaneously opposing it. Mayor Bloomberg, anticipating a drop in tax revenues, instituted a preemptive hiring freeze. Vice-President Dick Cheney spent a day hunting near Poughkeepsie, withholding comment about his hosts’ Confederate décor. The staph-superbug scare (and the death of a 12-year-old Brooklyn boy) inspired fear, loathing, and hand-washing. Former lawyers for ex–police commissioner Bernard Kerik sued him for $200,000 in unpaid fees. Four Halloween revelers were shot and one stabbed in Union Square. Jacob the Jeweler pleaded guilty to lying to the Feds and is headed to prison. The Landmarks commission preserved eight architectural gems, including the East Side’s Manhattan House, the Lord & Taylor building, and Greenpoint’s Eberhard Faber complex. Feline fans protested the roundup of feral cats at JFK. A weekend marathon doubleheader—autumn’s annual 26.2-mile race and the Olympic trials—clogged streets with skinny people in shorts. (Competitor and recent Big Apple arrival Lance Armstrong was spotted carbo-loading with new pal Ashley Olsen.) Meatless temple Zen Palate shut its Union Square doors. Buttoned-up NBA commissioner David Stern described the Knicks’ front office as “not a model of intelligent management.” Joe Girardi signed on as Yankees manager, while newly unemployed Joe Torre lined up a job at Dodger Stadium (and found a coaching gig for pal Don Mattingly). Rumors flew of an Amy Fisher sex tape, mercifully Joey Buttafuoco–free. And Linda Stein, whose career included both managing the Ramones and brokering the sale of Billy Joel’s uptown apartment to Sting, was found murdered in her Fifth Avenue home.

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What’s in the Box?

(Photo: Mike Duva)

Simon Hammerstein doesn’t want to—officially—open the Box until his dancers, seven burlesque ballerinas dubbed “The Hammerstein Beauties,” have their routine down cold. “Maybe in June,” he says. But the latest addition to the Freeman’s Alley nightlife nexus has been ready since early December, and like any self-respecting new nightspot it’s hosting a number of private functions, such as the Manhattan D.A.’s holiday party or tonight’s fête for Chanel’s new jewelry collection. Hammerstein, dashing in a black suit and silver, barely iridescent Dolce & Gabbana floral tie, is at a corner table with, among others, his mother, the playwright Dena Hammerstein; the artist Damian Loeb; the actors Julia Stiles and Josh Lucas; and model–filmmaker–former paramour Kate Elson. The dinner is lovely, with gray pearls wrapped around tarnished candlesticks, but it’s just a precursor to Simon’s intentions for the Box. “It’s not 5 percent of what I want this to be,” he says. “I want people standing on the tables.” Drinking, eating, dancing, cabaret!

And what he absolutely doesn’t want is for the Box to be known as a club. “It’s a dinner theater!” Simon interjects sternly whenever you mention the C-word. “It could be the hottest club in New York,” adds Lucas, one of 30-odd investors. “But if that’s all it is, then it is a failure. If he turns it into a club, then I’m going to kick his ass.”

The Hammerstein Beauties will be the centerpiece of the new dinner theater’s dining experience, a night out that has more to do with the fifties Copacabana or the neighborhood’s old vaudeville halls than those drinking holes over on Orchard. Three nightly shows will be put on, and Hammerstein and his team have been scouring circus schools and the like in France and Russia for guest stars. One of his favorites is a twenty-inch-tall woman named Firefly whom he wants to live in a glass house suspended above the bar and read aloud from her diaries.

Some nightlife impresarios dream of re-creating Studio 54; what Hammerstein hopes to induce is a deeper-freeze nostalgia. “Before the invention of disco, you’d go to a space and eat and drink and there would be Ella Fitzgerald.” (Or a midget.) “People say to me, ‘Why don’t you get some celebrities?’ And I’m like, if there are celebrities, they’re going to be performing. If Lindsay is there, she will be doing a dance number.”

The Box is perhaps the most ambitious Lower East Side concoction to set up camp near Freeman’s Alley; there’s also the alley’s namesake restaurant and the silver-Warhol-foiled “dive” 205 Club, which shrugs off the new competition. “They’re going to do highbrow,” says Aaron Bondaroff, 205’s creative director, “and we just wanna bring in junkies, faggots, skaters, and weirdos.” (Of course, in the world of nightlife, the new is always some take on the once new, and as it turns out, Serge Becker, godfather of nightclub-as-performance-art with his eighties legend Area, has been involved with both venues.)

Hammerstein’s dinner theater is a hodgepodge of turn-of-the-century styles. Multiple wallpapers peel off, Chinese fighting fish bleeding into cherubs. Prohibition-era bottles and other found debris have been incorporated into the Miss Havisham décor. “We wanted to keep the history,” he says of the former sign factory built in 1927. “I was an annoying geek stopping the bulldozer. I’d jump in the pit and come out with a bottle.” The result of the sixteen-month renovation looks as if you have broken into a boarded-up twenties theater. “The idea was that we found some old speakeasy that burglars would use to store their gear before fencing it.”

Showbiz is in Simon’s blood: Hammerstein is the heir to one of New York’s most-esteemed theatrical surnames. His great- great-grandfather is the namesake of midtown’s ballroom. Oscar Hammerstein II, his grandfather, was the partner of Rodgers. And Simon, 29, has been following, more or less, in his forebears’ hallowed footsteps since he was 16, directing Off-Off and way–Off Broadway productions such as The Passion of George W. Bush.

He grew up in Soho. At 9, he was shipped off to boarding school in England, only to return a few years later to an academy upstate. “I ran away after about a month,” he says. “I wrote my parents a ‘declaration of independence’ and called a cab and said, ‘Take me to the city.’ They were cool with it.” Soon he was interning at the Soho Rep “and any theater that would take me. And I was big into the rave scene. I’d be out until 6 a.m. tripping my balls off.” He also began promoting his own after-rave parties. Sometimes his father, a Broadway director himself, would “show up and I’d be with the most gnarly crew of kids from Howard Beach.”

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TMZ’s Guide to New York

(Photo: Stefania D’Alessandro/WireImage/Getty Images (Lady Gaga); Bruce Glikas/FilmMagic/Getty Images (Lohan); Alo Ceballos/FilmMagic/Getty Images (Cruise); Patrick McMullan (Remaining))

Over the weekend, the celebrity-gossip site TMZ rolled out a New York sightseeing tour for tabloid-obsessives. The two-hour bus ride will, according to the company, make around 70 stops. Not one to pass on a good scoop, the TMZ team has been coy so far about the route, except to say that it will “change constantly,” but with eight years of juicy Gotham intel at the guide’s disposal, tourgoers certainly won’t want for cheap thrills at the glitterati’s expense.

1. A TMZ photographer vomits while chasing down Lance Armstrong.

2. Kramer fans mob Michael Richards.

3. Kevin Garnett and Carmelo Anthony nearly come to blows after a Knicks-Celtics game.

4. Lindsay Lohan is cuffed and led into the 10th Precinct.

5. Suri Cruise stink-eyes Mom for refusing to buy a puppy.

6. Lindsay Lohan sucker-punches a psychic in the nightclub Avenue.

7. Jim Carrey goes Banksy and graffitis the wall of his art studio.

8. Mickey Rourke downsizes to a $13,000-a-month duplex.

9. James Marsden sings Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition.”

10. The grungy clubs where Lady Gaga gets her big break.

11. Chris Brown and Drake brawl.

12. Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s wedding.

13. The paparazzi learns Suri Cruise has a body double.

14. Alicia Keys and husband Swizz Beatz rent a crane to move out of their $15 million penthouse.

15. The apartment where Heath Ledger is found unconscious.

16. Momgelina and Maddox Jolie-Pitt are discovered sneaking in the side door of Lycée Français de New York.

17. The hospital where Jay-Z and Beyoncé have Blue Ivy.

18. Demi Moore is seen with an $11,000 white truffle outside Nello.

19. Woody Allen and the between-jobs Lindsay Lohan are spotted leaving dinner at Philippe.

20. Charlie Sheen, in “warlock” mode, trashes his Plaza Hotel room.

21. The Duggars (all 21) spend $614 at Bill’s Bar & Burger.

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