Author: Annie Barrett, Billboard

ABC/Screengrab

[WARNING: Spoilers ahead for Tuesday’s Dancing With the Stars finale.]

“It’s just plastic, but it means so much.” In that one sparkle-teary sentence, Maks summed up both his FINALLY completed quest to win the coveted mirrorball trophy and loyal viewers’ commitment to “Dancing With the Stars” itself. This one’s for all of us: Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy have won season 18!

The newly transformed Teddy Bearkovskiy and his ice princess are now free to have, like, ten thousand ice-dancing bear babies named Boris and Oleg. No, no, protested Maks. He’d just been kidding about all the offspring. Jeez, let a bear and a princess have a sexual relationship first, okay? And that’s season 18 in a nutshell — truly a fringed fairytale for the ages. 

Amy Purdy and Derek Hough gave Meryl and Maks one last run for their plastic during “The 24-Hour Fusion Challenge” (which, as Erin Andrews astutely pointed out, does sound like a deodorant), at least in terms of scoring. Their Argentine tango-cha cha fusion earned a perfect 30 to match M&M’s foxtrot-cha cha earth-shaker. There is no doubt that Amy’s unbreakable spirit along with Derek’s brilliant choreography will linger on Planet Mirrorballus forever — thankfully, not in a novel penned by Carrie Ann Inaba, but rather within the orb’s unique glittery atmosphere, right alongside the endless spray tan molecules and hairspray. But come on. We all knew Meryl and Maks were going to win. Well, everyone except the quivering Maks. 

Q&A: ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Showrunner Conrad Green’s Exit Interview

Meanwhile, Candace Cameron Bure, proud winner of the lowest score ever in a freestyle, finished third with partner Mark Ballas. She kept screaming, “I did it!” as we all sat there, whispering back, “Not that well!” Candace had been “too tired and mentally finished” after “all the drama” on Monday’s show, so she and Mark woke up early to numbly get through their samba-quickstep fusion. She couldn’t help it, okay? God had placed her in bed at 8:30 p.m. Such was the destiny of the Deej. Hey, you know what? Cheers to Candace for getting through this crazy process alive. Some people are just not cut out for the a-dread-aline rush of liiiiiiiive TV. This was clearly tough for her, and like a good Tanner kid, she kept on trying. Aww. It’s so cute that she thinks she’ll get to come back for All-Stars.

No one could believe that previously eliminated couple James Maslow and Peta Murgatroyd had won Monday’s Twitter vote for the chance to perform their leathery swordplay freestyle as an encore during the finale. But the night’s MOST shocking glitter bomb was the one head judge Len Goodman dropped on us near the end of the two hours: This might be his last season. What?! Say it shan’t be so, my lord and DANCMSTR! Who would take Len’s place? Louis Van Intensité? Maks? Candace? The Cube? I am NOT liking this, and I issue Len’s potential switch-up a negative “Seh-vehhhn!”

There’s much more to dwell on, but in the interest of urgency, I present….

The Top 18 Moments of the Season 18 Finale:

18. Len awkwardly caressing Carrie Ann’s shin during the opening number. It’s his (possibly last) party; he’ll do what he wants.

17. Mark calling Candace a gem. You know why. Gems!

16. Diana Nyad, Drew Carey, and Billy Dee Williams dancing awkwardly with Mr. Cube Head, the LMFAO mascot who erroneously thinks he can just come in here and fit in. Sorry, Cube. No Sphere, No Service. (Except when Tom Bergeron needs to consult you instead of finding a mirror.)

15. The random single giant curler in Erin Andrews’ hair during the very funny and lovingly edited Erin Clip Show. Am I pressing my luck if I hope for a dress rehearsal live feed as part of season 19? I volunteer to sit there and host it, or at the very least, live-tweet it.

14. Cody Simpson intently singing his single “Surfboard” while leaving his partner Witney to blend into his sea of backup dancers… and the viewing audience to halfheartedly ponder how the heck two people can even fit on the same surfboard.

STORY: Kiss of Death for ‘Dancing With the Stars’ James Maslow, Women Battle for Finale

13. Nene Leakes’ amped-up — with the pro ladies — encore of the “Grown Woman” African Anteater Ritual routine she’d done with Derek. Appropriately, they are all half her size, otherwise she might not have stood out as the adult.

12. Charlie and Meryl’s “ice dance on wood” solo…at least the few seconds we saw, anyway. In a perfect world: Less Nene, more Lie-Me. 

11. The editors making sure to get Tom’s gleeful announcement of “A Chmerkovskiy sandwich!” into a clip series as Val and Maks escorted Robin Roberts down the amazing technicolor staircase.

10. Reigning “DWTS” champion Amber Riley belting out a “Glee”-worthy solo at the center of a writhing wheel of Our Pros. Anyone else spot “So You Think You Can Dance” spiky-haired sun-sprite Malece Miller?

9. Drew Carey gamely kicking and flicking alongside Artem, Sasha, Henry, and Tony for a spruced-up encore jive with partner Cheryl Burke.

8. Our Golf Pro Tony — always there when you need a hearty back pat — comforting a crying Maks in the stairwell backstage.

7. The contact high I enjoyed from Charlie White and Sharna Burgess’ head-spinning “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” jazz number, in which this time Charlie caught the cane but broke the umbrella. No matter: The pair is practically perfect in every way even without any props.

6. Team Loco’s encore dance — once more, with cameras rolling! #DWTSShirtsOff

5. Tom prompting fantasies nationwide with his promise of ABC’s “special summer series, ‘The Blushin’ Russian’”.

4. Danica McKellar and Val Chmerkovskiy’s electrifying “Beauty and the Beast” encore — if Meryl/Maks had never existed (UTTER BLASPHEMY) and this had turned out to be the strongest visual memory of the season, I think I’d be okay with that! What a shimmery chunk of quintessential-“DWTS” cheese.

3. Val as the ultimate Accent Pro throughout the night — dancing with Amber, leaping over Emma, gazing back into the crowd mid-routine with a knowing wink. Makin’ magic. As he does. How lucky M&M’s baby bears would be to have a sparkle-sorcerer as an uncle.

2. Amy’s adorable wave goodbye just before shutting off the lights in the first-string rehearsal studio…. and the ‘D-W-T-S’ vanity bulb clusters/beacons of hope remained on! Ahhhh! 

1. Maks, on the season as a whole: “For it to be this way — you can’t write it. It was everything that I *never* thought it would be.” AGGGGGGHHHHH. 

Congrats to M&M, and please let us know when you set a date for the wedding. 

Thank you, DANCMSTRs one and all, for finding and reading me here. Have a lovely summer, and try not to drown in your rhinestone-studded backyard baby pools brimming with celebratory Russian vodka and tears of joy….

#SPARKLEBARF!

XOXO,

Fringe Fairy

Don’t miss my Q&A with departing “DWTS” boss Conrad Green on THR.com.

Twitter: @AnnieBarrett

ABC

“I really don’t care for anything she has to say,” said Maksim Chmerkovskiy of guest judge Abby Lee Miller.

Week 8 featured the first-ever Celebrity Dance Duel — a cool idea, I suppose, even though it kept sounding like “Dance Stool” as Tom Bergeron announced it in Spooky Voice. Plus: an actual stool, incorporated into an Argentine tango. And last and most certainly least, guest judge Abby Lee Miller, the dark cloud of pure evil that hovers over Lifetime’s Dance Moms and Earth itself, threatening at every moment to pelt humanity with smug corrections about technique and hideously ill-timed, unveiled references to how she never has sex, but would like to. Her presence on our cherished Planet Mirrorballus was nothing short of a living nightmare — stripped of sequins, wrapped in contempt, and cloaked in a jersey knit as black as her soul. SAVE THE PLANET.

Ugh, no one could stand her. Head judge Len Goodman couldn’t even look at her. My mom weighed in via text: “Is this ALM for real? Or is she basically a nice person and this is all her TV bitch persona? Clueless to her stardom, I am. (No regrets).” Oh, to have zero prior Abby Lee Miller awareness after this much time aliiiiiiiiiive! I bow down to my creator. And soon Our Pros would bow down toMaks…

STORY: Ricky Martin Judges ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Latin Night; Dancers Hospitalized for Injuries

“I don’t really care for anything she has to say,” Maksim Chmerkovskiy announced, igniting a fresh wave of camaraderie up in theCelebriquarium after Abby Lee called out his partner Meryl Davis for her “sickle feet” in the rumba. Sure, his comment was kind of rude. But consider the target: a narcissistic non-dancer infamous for yelling at kids to not do their homework. It’s safe to say Maks spoke for most.

Darkness dominated until the episode’s very last moment, which saw DWTS super fan Danica McKellar and her partner/fellow intellectual giant Valentin Chmerkovskiy ascend to their permanent place in ballroom heaven. Danica’s broken rib had limited her mobility, but the couple still turned in a sexy and powerful tango that played out as a sort of futuristic parable about the dangers of not listening to one’s doctor. Poor Danica. And what a tough break for Val. A super-talented partner saddled with an injury, PLUS an ever-growing suspicion that their grandmother, this week’s special guest Sofiya, might favor brother Maks over him? Why, it was almost more than he could bear. (“More beer?” “What for? Nothing helps.” Obligatory “Beauty and the Beast” shoutout for Danica and Val.)
Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhh-ba!

Amy Purdy and Derek Hough: 40/40 Argentine tango + 39/40 jive duel = 79/80 “The Argentine tango is a very physical dance, and it’s targeting the exact spot that’s injured,” Amy informed us. Oh, goody. There was no rest for the weary sufferer of last week’s painful back spasm — well, unless you count the portion of their dance executed atop a wobbly stool. How did this earn a perfect 40? It offered a sultry vibe and some explosive, tango-appropriate music, but nowhere near the intensity of plenty of other perfect Argentine tangos on this show (including so very many of Derek’s!) This wasn’t even my favorite dance of Amy’s. Were the judges just ready to hand over 10s because they’d performed the last solo of the night? Bruno said he felt like he was in a trance. Perhaps he’d got caught in the crossfire of Abby Lee’s passionate Derek-worship.

STORY: ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Names New Showrunner

Charlie White and Sharna Burgess: 40/40 quickstep + 38/40 contemporary duel = 78/80 I didn’t understand the perfect score for their opening quickstep either, especially after Abby’s comment about Charlie’s bent back leg in an arabesque (“It’s called attitude!” protested Bruno, the rightful Duke of Attitude) and Bruno’s mention of “not quite so clean” stops. I’m fine with the perfect score; I just didn’t expect it, and their first 40 probably would’ve had much more impact if it’d happened later in the show. Oh, well. Kudos to Charlie’s mother Jacqueline for reinvigorating my tainted notion of what a “dance mom” should really be with her uplifting pep talk to her son. The back half of a grueling Dancing With the Stars season can get even the most chipper floppy-haired Olympian down, so I loved how his mom gently reminded him of how positive Charlie would normally be if he had to support someone else in this situation. And as an extra dash of sweetness: The dozens of giant hearts on the ballroom floor during their quickstep reminded ME of the uplifting experience that is (usually) watching this show! #sparklebarf

Charlie caught the cane this time! Cheers to Mark Ballas — officially the Robin Thicke of the Ballroom — for cheekily allowing for and then announcing this great prop triumph backstage.

James Maslow and Peta Murgatroyd: 36/40 Viennese waltz + 39/40 jive duel = 75/80 This week James brought in the other members of Big Time Rush so someone other than the same producer would be on hand to ask James and Peta if they were “dating or something.” No denial this time! Just a friendly shared grimace towards the camera. In some languages that’s a yes! (Australian.) Their Viennese waltz was another stunning visual delight, set-wise — the cherry blossom tree in one corner and fluffy white clouds onPeta’s gown threatened to overtake the dark and stormy presence behind the judges’ table. But they needn’t have worried: Abby Lee Miller has a major crush. “It’s the male dancer’s job to make the woman look amazing, and that’s what you did… I was like, look at ME! That way! I’m over here!” Eww. No. Remember when the promo at the top of the show asked “WHO. WILL. FALL?” In a surprise twist, the answer turned out to be Abby Lee Miller. Clunk, clunk, clunk. It was so awful I can barely even make fun of it. To lighten the mood, Bruno generously offered to help James control his buttocks.

Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas: 36/40 foxtrot + 38/40 contemporary duel = 74/80 With Danica out, there’s still room on the mirrored path to the COVETED TROPHY for a turtle whose greatest dance talent is “being lifted.” As Mark explained it, “It’s a turtle race, and she is my turtle.” (Perhaps I just had ‘90s sitcoms on the mind, but this struck me as very “She’s your lobster” a la Friends.) As tragic as Danica’s elimination was, I can’t be mad at Candace’s comeback. Mark choreographed this week’s foxtrot to her strengths (delighted facial expressions and sitcom acting, this time ‘50s-style), and she seemed much more relaxed and open than ever before. Barely having to touch the ground during the the Charlie-Sharna-Candace-Mark Dance Duel definitely helped!

STORY: ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Showrunner Boards Fox’s ‘Utopia’

Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 36/40 rumba + 34/40 samba duel = 70/80 Here is how to tame a wild beast, as presented by Meryl Davis: Simply insist, via consistent soft squeaks, that the true nature of said wild beast is actually that of a teddy bear. Then cradle the teddy bear as it kneels before you, TOTALLY LOVING YOU. Gently refine his preconceived behavioral notions as you caress his bulging shoulder blade. The transformation is now complete.

Witness this bout of Meryl Davis genius:

Maks: “You can’t pet me.”
Meryl: “Yes, I can.”
Maks: “Well, you can, but you shouldn’t.”
Meryl: “I should.”
Teddy Bearkovskiy: “Okay, fine.”

That was the rehearsal/reality version. In the ballroom version, Meryl slapped Maks after the couple endured a “totally Tennessee Williams” (according to Bruno) heated dinner table argument at the top of their rumba, which contained a bit too much contemporary content for Len and Carrie Ann. Abby Lee Miller would NEVER hit Maks, she insisted, before harping on Meryl’s sickled feet. But it didn’t matter what she said. Maks. Doesn’t. Care!

It’s hard to believe Meryl and Maks are at the bottom of the leaderboard considering their raging chemistry and the emotional quality of that rumba. Their ensuing Dance Duel with Danica and Val was not the most melt-in-you-mouth Chmerkovskiy sandwich we’ve ever tasted, though, and the judges had it in for Maks after his Abby Lee Miller slam. (Gross! Every time I mention Abby Lee Miller, I am sorry. Please know that.)

I vote that next week’s guest judge should be the Grandmerkovskiy. Who’s with me? There’s no need to ship her back to New York just yet. She and Tom and the unnamed bearded relation to Sofiya’s left have a lot to awkwardly/delightfully discuss.

Speaking of which: Be sure and check out my midseason Q&A with Our Host Tom Bergeron on THR.com!

Keep up with Annie on Twitter @AnnieBarrett@AnnieBarrett

ABC

This story first appeared on billboard.com

What a night to be on Planet Mirrorballus (again)! The liiiiiiive peep show Team Loca gave the studio audience on Latin Night has to be the best thing I’ve ever seen on Dancing With the Stars. And I have seen it ALL! (Except Bruno’s dignity.)

Let me back up, butt-first, Maks-style. Since Derek Hough’s partner Amy Purdy endured a back spasm and rushed off to the hospital mid-show, the judges had to score and critique the dress rehearsal footage of their eight-person team’s Ricky Martin Fireball Explosion final number instead of the incomplete dance itself. Theoretically the contestants would just need to stand around onstage while the tape played in front of the judges’ table like some sad diorama of how we get all our information from our DVRs now instead of from real life. But NO. They danced! Oh, how they throttled. One by one they disobeyed the former script and removed their shirts: Val, Maks, Derek, Mark. I am not sure if that order is correct, as my memory is a blur of abs, spray tan and Danica McKellar’s teased hair. And tragically, there’s no way to play it back on the TV. ’Twas a dazzling mirrorball mirage.

STORY: Ricky Martin Judges ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Latin Night; Dancers Hospitalized for Injuries

I am pretty sure at some point during Derek’s dramatic solo of dancing with nobody, one or both of the Chmerkovskiys playfully ran up from behind to toy with him up front. I didn’t even mean for that to sound dirty; it’s just how life on Planet Mirrorballus works. “Where is the dirtiest place?” Maks had wondered during rehearsal as he’d urged Meryl to get nasty in their salsa. He was only being rhetorical. He knew. We know.

It’s times like this, Bruno Tonioli lamented, that he really regrets we don’t have a results show anymore, in which the complete Team Loca could reprise this shirtless wonder. “Maybe we can do it during Agents of SHIELD!” Tom Bergeron piped up. (This was a treat only TV viewers could enjoy. If Tom thought I was delighted by his wit during our post-show chat, he should have seen me after hearing this comment hours later! Just perfect.)

The night’s sadness was not limited to this missing piece of your ballroom soul. You see, our sparkly hoofers are basically falling apart. Candace Cameron Bure is now undergoing televised therapy to treat her raging perfectionism (once a Deej, always a Deej). Meryl Davis’ right wrist may no longer be with us. Danica broke a freakin’ rib. Some of guest judge Ricky Martin’s fingers almost melted off because the dances were so piping caliente. Oh, and Nene Leakes and Tony Dovolani have been eliminated on this spicy Week 7 following an Argentine Tango (believe me, I’m as surprised as you are that this was supposed to be their dance style) that appeared to have been filmed in slow motion. We can rest assured that Nene is very proud of herself. 

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhhhh-ba!

STORY: ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Names New Showrunner

Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 39/40 salsa + 39 = 78/80 Maks’ breakthrough season continued as he whipped off his pesky racerback hooded tank top (will wonders never cease?!) and hurled it in Bruno Tonioli’s direction for safekeeping. Can you imagine the giant Lost and Found of men’s clothing that has accumulated under Bruno’s section of the desk? Let’s just pretend no one ever cleans the set and it’s a total gem mine in there. Anyway, I sort of agreed with Len at the time that their salsa was a little hectic — what’s with the Troupe getting involved in so many dances? — but when I watched it back on TV I appreciated how much Meryl totally commanded the stage even while flanked by five professional dancers. I did not expect that from her in the salsa. Somehow she rocked one of the trashiest costumes I’ve ever seen and made it seem like not too much of a costume after all. That in itself is a true ballroom talent. 

During my discussion with Tom, our host agreed with me that this could be Maks’ best partnership ever. YES! Let’s not jinx it, but yes. Be sure and check THR.com before next Monday’s show for my Q&A with Tom!

Amy Purdy and Derek Hough: 36/40 rumba + 39 = 75/80 “Everything’s really painful right now,” whispered Amy to Erin Andrews backstage moments after her back spasm. “It’s hard to breathe.” She had pretty much summed up the stressful night for everyone. But before this extra drama, Amy and Derek performed a sweet little rumba on the top of the stage, set to an acoustic version of the Doors’ “Light My Fire.” I thought this played out much better on TV; we couldn’t sense their intimacy from our seats as they only used the top part of the stage. Can you believe Carrie Ann knocked them a point for Amy’s feet coming off the floor, yet she STILL gave them a 9? Didn’t she say previously that mistakes didn’t matter where Amy was concerned because she is just that darn inspiring? Pick a lane, Officerwoman Inaba! Not even the Lift Police has the right to straddle like that in heavy traffic. It’s unbecoming. 

STORY: ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Showrunner Boards Fox’s ‘Utopia’

Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas: 35/40 Argentine tango + 39 = 74/80 Candace can do some legit push-ups and showed off some strong, crisp, and sexy legs during tonight’s Argentine tango, so I applaud her for that. That whole sports therapy storyline and her accompanying tears, though, were 1-800-TOO-MUCH. I mean, they were amazing in a reality TV producer’s dreamscape sort of way, but the intensity of all of it just made me impatient for a real turnaround from Candace. She could be the improvement darling of the season, but only if she fully wards off the despair. I do want her to figure things out, and it sounds like she knows what she needs to do: breathe deeply, trust that she knows the choreography, and be confident. The clock is ticking, though, Deej! Get it together! I talked to God, and she says “Yo, wassup?” And she wants you to lose the nerves. (Ten points — “from Len, the Ten” even — to anyone who gets this mid-‘90s reference.)

Danica McKellar and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 33/40 salsa + 39 = 72/80 “Just, everything hurts right now,” sniffed Danica. “IT HURTS WHEN I’M CRYING.” Aggggghhhh! It hurts when I’m crying! So too said the Coveted Mirrorball Trophy — if, that is, it had secretly wanted someone with no dance experience to win it this season, which I suspect it did. My bedazzled heart broke for these two (#sparklebarf) as they bravely decided to soldier on after Danica fractured a rib while practicing some challenging lifts. Their salsa lost whatever steam it had midway through as Danica’s injury limited her movement. Len called it “pop video-ish,” Bruno called it “ghetto fabulous,” and Ricky Martin shocked everyone by channeling former co-host Brooke Burke. “How do you feel?” he innocently wondered. And we really had all been wondering that very thing. Maybe Brooke had the right idea all along. 

Danica’s response: “Okay — but you fight through it, you rest.” Am I nuts or did she just describe three wildly different modes of being? “It’s a fine line between toughing it out and being stupid,” she’d elaborated during the rehearsal segment. “I don’t know where the balance is.” These poor, broken creatures! Where is the damn elixir? I thought this planet was supposed to include magic! 

Speaking of shattered perceptions: I also thought I smelled a dog in the ballroom, but it turned out I was just sitting ten feet away from Juan Pablo. Out, out, damn Bachelor! 

LAST WEEK’S RECAP: Don’t You Wanna Danica?

Charlie White and Sharna Burgess: 36/40 paso doble + 35 = 71/80 I was just a teensy bit annoyed at the way Charlie insisted on scoring all 10s this week due to his Olympian’s sense of impatience, but even more annoyed that Len ragged on Charlie for taking his shirt off (HELLO? Doesn’t he know what night it is? Monday.) and dismissed him with this vague mess: “To get a 10, you have to do something special, and for me this wasn’t special.” Lame. Carrie Ann and Bruno were more specific, citing Charlie’s need for more sharpness in this dubsteppy paso doble (I just lost some brain cells; par for the course). Ricky, however, was just livin’ in the loca moment, man! He was “flying with you guys” and just blown away! Charlie shouldn’t be that disillusioned by all those 9s, though. He’s being set up as the underdog now, plus, he got a fresh wax and a chest rub from Maks out of this week. As far as salaries go, this one isn’t bad. I sure could use it. And Charlie White is forever my hero for his good-natured reaction to a 10 from Ricky: “I think we all look up to Ricky Martin… especially when it comes to Latin Night.”

James Maslow and Peta Murgatroyd: 35/40 + 35 = 70/80 I tend to forget about James, but must admit he really stood out to me on Team Vida (which consisted of all three of this week’s “in jeopardy” contestants: Nene, James, and Charlie). Well, I actually thought he was a pro in that dance until I realized who it was. That seems both good and bad. I’m still surprised he’s at the bottom of the leaderboard. The four-point disparity between the Team scores really benefited Candace and Danica and could hurt James. I’m not sure what else they could have done in this week’s high-energy samba, which featured a full-on Victoria’s Secret Valentine’s Day getup on Peta and not one ounce of fat on the dance floor from the two of them combined. James — shirtless, as Latin Week law decreed — had turned down his coveralls at the waist, which offered the illusion of a dark grey diaper on the dance floor and then a wetsuit up in the Celebriquarium. Also appropriate: Bruno claimed to need a “full service appointment”…at the gas pumping station. We all need to fuel up sometimes. 

Your thoughts on Latin Night, DANCMSTRs? Are you buying Candace’s transformation? Are you mad at me for not breaking the law and filming the liiiiiiive sex show for YouTube? Are you going to keep your #ShirtOn all day? Why or why not?

Discuss! 

Annie is answering DWTS fans’ questions on YouTube — ask her anything on Twitter @AnnieBarrett