Do not insult the UK, or the Prime Minister will do a Hugh Grant impression.
David Cameron has hit back at an unnamed Russian official's reported comments that Britain was "just a small island" that "no-one pays any attention" to.
Ria Novosti / Reuters
Britain may be a small island, but I would challenge anyone to find a country with a prouder history, a bigger heart or greater resilience.
Britain is an island that has helped to clear the European continent of fascism - and was resolute in doing that throughout World War Two.
Britain is an island that helped to abolish slavery, that has invented most of the things worth inventing, including every sport currently played around the world, that still today is responsible for art, literature and music that delights the entire world.
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The "Britain invented every sport" claim is a bit citation needed.
We are very proud of everything we do as a small island - a small island that has the sixth-largest economy, the fourth best-funded military, some of the most effective diplomats, the proudest history, one of the best records for art and literature and contribution to philosophy and world civilisation.
For the people who live in Northern Ireland, I should say we are not just an island, we are a collection of islands. I don't want anyone in Shetland or Orkney to feel left out by this.
I'm thinking of setting this to music...
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