Do you really still need to be friends with a judgmental jerk, or your friend's needy ex? Didn't think so.
The Judgy Coupled Friend
It is very nice that this person and their significant other do not think going to bars is “fun anymore” and prefer to stay in on Friday nights and nibble each others’ noses tenderly or whatever the fuck it is they do. But that does not give them the right to look pityingly at you when you talk about your own issues. When you even see them, that is.
The Person Who Has Not Changed At All Since College
On the flip side, while there is no specific inscription on your diploma that indicates that you can never again spend a Friday night with a girlfriend, pregaming with tequila shooters to put on suede platform heels and go to Senõr Frogs in order to get hit on by business majors who constantly make Family Guy jokes, that doesn’t mean you should do it every Friday.
This is the person who does. And documents it on Instagram. With duckface. And is the one of the two of you who instigates peeing together in a bathroom for one. Whenever you attempt to hang out with her sober, it is interminably boring.
Your Friend’s Ex Who Thinks You’re Independently Friends Now (But You’re Definitely Not)
You’re a grown-ass person now. You have bills to pay and 20 pounds of laundry to do. You do not have time to sit in a tapas bar checking your phone while this girl you have nothing in common with — except maybe you ONCE drunkenly bonded with in a bathroom YEARS AGO — goes through her weird manic “So how is he doing, is he seeing anyone, not that I care, I’m totally seeing everyone, wait no I mean like only the hot ones ahahaha!!!!!!!>>!>!!?!?!” spiel.
Your "Will You Or Won't You But Probably Not" Person
Although you narrowly avoided hooking up during college, you now find yourself Gchatting flirtatiously with this person daily as you both languish in your respective offices. If you’re not familiar with what entails Gchat flirting, it’s mostly a proliferation of “hahahaha whatttt”-s. It is also a complete waste of time.
Dostoyevsky only wrote Crime and Punishment after he stopped wasting time Gflirting with people he was never going to fuck. I wouldn't lie to you.
