(Vogue/Annie Leibovitz)
Amy Adams reveals she had a meltdown when she turned 40 last August because she didn’t feel as “grown-up” as she had thought she would be at this point in her life. For her first Vogue cover story in the magazine’s December issue, Adams opens up about her birthday freakout, her past careers struggles, and her constant worrying.
Despite receiving five Oscar nominations over the course of her acting career, Adams admits that she still doesn’t feel like she’s a true adult. “I was like, ‘I’m 40 and I still care what people think of me,’” she says. “I still don’t do laundry so I’m always out of things; I’m just not a grown-up at all, and I had this expectation that I would be by this age.” She explains, “It wasn’t, ‘Oh, I’m getting old and I’m going to lose something vibrant about myself.’ It was more that I was just so disappointed with myself. It’s just awful. Any chance for self-loathing!”
The actress recalls recently watching The Fault In Our Stars on a plane and sobbing in first class because of Shailene Woodley’s cancer-ridden character Hazel. Adams says, “She’s so brave and she’s living her life to the fullest, and I’m just pathetic. I’m not living my life right! I’m doing it wrong!” She further notes she’s often in a state of anxiety. “It feels like I worry about everything – mothering, relationships… I think it’s because I want to continue to grow,” notes Adams. “I don’t like being stagnant. Especially when you watch how fast children grow, and what they take into their soul and their intellect. It’s like we make this decision to stop growing. I don’t want to do that.”
Adams admits that she is trying to learn to appreciate her life for what it is. “Every time I get stressed out or anxious, I say to myself, ‘Just live and love. Feel love,’” she says. “I think that’s what I took away from my turning-40 meltdown. I have been operating out of fear, and I just don’t want to do it anymore.”
When it comes to her career, Adams says she’s a “perfectionist,” but feels her talent often went unnoticed when she was first starting out. “There was a TV show called ‘Grosse Pointe’ that I was fired from,” she remembers, adding, “I probably sucked. I never got a straight answer. It was my second year in L.A., and I got hired for two pilots and got fired from both of them. The producer called me and said, ‘It’s just not working.’ And I was like, ‘I know. I could tell.’” The actress recalls it was a “painful” time in her life and she was considering quitting. She explains, “My lawyer called me after I was fired from the two shows and said, ‘Just to even get two shows in a pilot season is amazing. So you’re doing something right.’ I thank him all the time for that call.”
In addition to her interview, Adams also answered Vogue‘s 73 questions. The clip was filmed in a dance studio, where the actress shares her love for nachos and offers advice to some young ballerinas. Check out the video below, and tell us what you think!
