It’s time you learned the truth.
Apple Pie
If apple pie is your favorite pie, you're basically an American hero. And you'll never have to prove it by doing a heroic act; people will just know by seeing you eat the pie. In fact, if anyone sees you eating apple pie they should thank you for being a true patriot.
Pumpkin Pie
If pumpkin pie is your favorite, there's a good chance you're incredibly good looking. Scientists have yet to figure out why, but attractive people tend to gravitate toward pumpkin. People are walking by you asking, "Who is that person shoving pumpkin pie into their mouth? Cuz daaaaaaaayumn they look good."
Pecan Pie
If pecan pie is your favorite pie, it means you radiate an aura of joy to those around you. If you're in the room, eating pecan pie, other people will be like, "What is this feeling? Is it gas? No... It's joy!" And it's all because of you.
Cherry Pie
If cherry pie is your favorite, it means you're just a really good, quality person. You should probably be put in a museum of awesome people. But that would be kind of creepy, like a human zoo. I mean, you'd be free to take breaks and leave the museum from time to time, but you have a life to live. So, just keep eating cherry pie and let's never speak of this again.
