This is an entirely scientific conversation. Sorry, Stephanie.
Thinkstock
"Tom is the most inoffensive name. It screams, 'I don't belong in the class system, promise.'"
"Absolutely not. It's secretly posh. Toms are generally caddish but charming. Your girlfriend fancies someone called Tom."
"People called Tom often go by their surname because there are so many of them that it's logistically necessary."
"Or maybe they go by their surname because they all went to public school."
"Charlottes are the kinds of girls who let their highlights grow out, but somehow still look glamorous."
"Charlottes are cool. Charlies are cool. Lotties are cool. End of."
"Parents who call their kids Matt were probably very tired and couldn't think of anything more creative."
"Matt is functional. Workmanlike. It's a name for getting around in. Solid, but unspectacular."
"No one has ever seriously fallen out with a Matt."
"Matts have a favourite beer, but they're not dicks about it if the bar doesn't have it."
"There are always at least three Matts in a room. Matts move in threes."
"Anna has her eye on your job, and your boyfriend. She's not to be trusted."
"You can tell she's sneaky because she flips her hair a lot."
"Although she appears aloof and mysterious, Anna always makes her lunch the night before work. You'd just never suspect it because she's the kind of girl who always has a croaky voice."
"Anna always disappears towards the end of the night out."
"Everyone called Oscar lives in Islington or Tunbridge Wells."
"You're making a pretty strong statement, calling your child Oscar. Automatically sounds like he should be wearing a monocle. Imagine having to shout it in public. 'Oscar! Come on, Oscar!' You'd feel like a real dick."
"It's a better name for a cat than a human being."
"Oscars all have floppy hair."
"Floppy *fur*."
Thinkstock
"Jennifer is such an '80s name. You don't get Jennifers any more, do you? I miss Jennifers. They always had ponytails. And exceptionally clear skin."
"They don't like it when you call them Jenny."
"There are still some Jennifers left, but you never meet them because they're all scientists."
"You're right. The only Jennifer I know is a scientist. And she hates being called Jenny."
"Calling your kid Harry has changed in meaning over the years. First it meant you just wanted a classic British boy's name. Then it meant you wanted your son to be a naughty prince. Now it just means you're basically using your child as a cosplaying prop."
"Posh Harrys are secretly called Henry."
"Harrys have overly firm handshakes. They really try and make a point by crushing your hand."
"And they're often ginger."
"Catherine is psychologically damaged."
"Except for Catherine of Aragon, who was a boss bitch."
"Cathy, on the other hand, is great. She's always up for a good time."
"Cathy is good at most things, but not intimidatingly so."
"And she's surprisingly funny on Snapchat."
"But the field she really excels in is wingwomaning. She tells your crush the exact right amount of information."
"Maxes all want to be the bloody prime minister when they grow up. It's a very potent sounding name – MAX! – and the problem is, they know it. We ought to start calling them Maximilian, just to take them down a peg or two."
"They're so sexy though."
"And funny. Maxes are hilarious."
"Maxes get in one fight in university and nearly get kicked out. But you still fancy them."
