NFL fans often complain that the Cowboys are not truly “America’s Team.” But, if you think about it, it’s actually a pretty good comparison. Just not the way Cowboys fans probably have in mind.
Their Best Days Are Behind Them
In the mid-'90s the Cowboys were winning titles and had a great offense, a great defense and a leader who everyone liked in spite of the fact that he was clearly a decadent freak (Michael Irvin). In the mid-'90s America had just won the Cold War and had a great economy, a peaceful national security situation and a leader who everyone liked in spite of the fact that he was clearly a decadent freak (William J. Clinton). Now the Cowboys go 8-8 every year and America is crapping around with an economy that only works for rich people while our armed forces spend all their time fighting cave assholes halfway across the world.
Sporting News Archive / Getty
All Their Leaders Do Is Fight With Each Other And It's Possible None Of Them Have Any Idea What They're Doing
Jerry Jones can't get out of bed in the morning without making some sort of personnel move or media remark that undermines someone else in his own organization. He's on his sixth coach since Jimmy Johnson left, with a seventh likely on the way next year. Meanwhile the highest level of American government consists solely of people having press conferences to blame each other for all the stuff that's going wrong, which is everything.
Fort Worth Star-Telegram / Getty
Racial Animosity
The only way the picture above doesn't represent America is that, rather than arguing face-to-face, most Americans prefer to wait until they're on an internet message board to complain about all the things that are wrong with whites/blacks/Asians/Latinos/whatever. (N.b. — there is no evidence that race was involved in any way in Jason Witten and Dez Bryant's argument. This one is a metaphor.)
Fox / Via businessinsider.com
Their Fans/Citizens Take Way Too Much Pride In Things They Have Absolutely No Connection To
Cowboys fans are notorious for having jumped on the bandwagon despite not being from Texas or necessarily even knowing much about football. Meanwhile, every single American takes credit for liberating France in 1944.
TIME & LIFE Images / Getty