There are a lot of things you shouldn't do on Facebook! . But especially THESE things. Otherwise nobody will be your friend. Ever.
Enhance your pictures to the point that you are unrecognizable.
Facebook was pretty much built around the idea that we can present certain compacted and idealized versions of ourselves to our acquaintances, so it makes sense that we’re always on the hunt for THE definitive self-portrait – the one that finally shows everyone just how seriously good-looking we are. But if the pictures you edit and upload could not be matched to you in a police lineup, you are over-thinking this. It’s one thing to remove red-eye and improve the lighting just a little. It’s another to turn your skin Day-Glo orange and your teeth phosphorescent. If you looked like that in real life, people would scream. Also, what if the text clichés floating above your head in profile pictures floated about your head IN REAL LIFE? Haha. Actually I would love that.
Constantly check in using Foursquare
Foursquare posts are pointless. I refuse to have this argument again; it’s ruining my life. I understand that the app itself has “perks,” like hearing about deals and becoming an impotent Mayor. Whatever! But posting your restaurant/hotel whereabouts so that your sort-of-friends can see them is just WEIRD. It’s not making you look hip and social, it’s making you look manic. I have acquaintances on Facebook who use Foursquare to check into their OWN HOMES. Patriots! Stop trying to make your own personal Marauder’s Map happen. It’s NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
Post image memes you've seen on your Newsfeed three times already
Sometimes image memes are funny, which is kind of why they become memes in the first place. But image memes also have incredibly short half-lives – by the time you’ve seen the “What _____ Thinks I Do” image that applies to your area of study on a friend’s wall, the meme has lost half of its potency. It has also been converted to 16 other areas of study, each less funny than the first. And by the time you decide to re-post that meme onto your own wall, the power of the joke is down another 50%, and everyone hates you. It’s not fair, it’s Facebook. (I wanted to say, “It’s not FAIRbook, it’s Facebook,” and then I thought that was dumb.)
Invite ALL your friends to play games with you.
If you do not hang out with someone in real life, or if you haven’t talked online with her/him about your shared obsession with various Facebook games, there is just no legitimate reason for you to believe that s/he would want to grow cartoon crops next to you. What a weirdly specific assumption for you to make.
